Unpacked

I have just spent a few minutes going back and reading through previous blog posts. A lot has changed since I started this blog over a decade ago.This one thing rings true through the years, I have not been near as consistent with this as I want to be. So this, this is the disclaimer. Blogging is going to be a scheduled task. Y'all might want to pray about it. This content might get a bit dry or redundant otherwise.

The thing is realistically I know what is going on in this moment. I need to CREATE. The problem, I have half a dozen started projects. Yesterday I thought I would create a poll. What should I be doing now? The truth, FINISHING at least one project I have started. Yesterday that meant I got off of facebook, I didn't post a poll. I went and unpacked 3 boxes. I unpacked 3 boxes that have been in storage. Items I haven't used in 2 years and as of right now have no idea where to put. 

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Forever back in the day I have a blog post of before during and after photos of the shelf catastrophe I was attempting to tame. This is the story of almost every room in the house in the moment. Well not to that degree. It just turns out I suck at moving. In 2018 while preparing to move to Virginia I unpacked boxes that had been in the attic since I moved in 2007. Those boxes had been packed from the move from Colorado to Texas. Surely if I had not even seen the inside of those boxes in over 10 years I didn't need to open them now, they could have gone in the trash right? Instead I sorted through them and retrieved my long lost treasures. Now that those treasures have been packed for another 2 years I wonder if they were really treasures...

June was another month of moving, although my address didn't change. My in-laws new house in town was finished, so before the kids all went to visit their other parents we moved Pop and Grandma into their new house. Essentially this means we were moving 2 houses at once. The kids were, FOR THE MOST PART, better at moving into their new rooms and getting things out of storage. But here I sit in my office/den/ bedroom (clearly I have no clue what to call this space) and other than the computer and printer, everything is still in boxes. The closet was easy, so the clothes are put away. I guess at least there is that. The kitchen is a bit better. A bit better in that my husband can cook in it. (That is a strange thought, I used to do all the cooking, now maybe a meal or 2 every 6 months.) This "move" meant that the kitchen and dinning room now share the same space and what was the dining room is now living room. We haven't really even started in there other than to get furniture out of storage. But it is all just pushed clear of a walk way. I feel like everything is still waiting to be unpacked. 

EVERYTHING IS STILL WAITING TO BE UNPACKED... someone help me here. Where is creativity in unpacking? Why, why unpack it why not get rid of it all? It has sat in storage for so long clearly we don't need it. Ahhh the object lesson here... 

Personal growth, "moving" forward is just what all of this is. What are we carrying around in boxes for years that we need to unpack? What is in storage that needs be brought up and dealt with? Are there treasures we need to unbury, is their junk that we just need to toss out? If I wander into any room in the house right now I am over whelmed at what needs to be done. If I just open up this one box though. And that is it! Personal growth is crating. Probably not in the traditional sense and probably not in the most fun of ways. Just maybe it is the most productive way...

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I Owe You No Explanation

It is strange to look back on life. Strange to try to view circumstances and situations from someone else's perspective. How warped a picture can be when they tell you what their perspective is. Note if you can read this blog post, that statement isn't about you, because yes I will shamelessly block that kind of crazy from life in a heart beat. 

One of the things that I learned long ago and I am somewhat certain  I have blogged about before is that I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I owe no one an explanation. (Check out Romans 4 & 5) Now here is the other line of thought there, there are some people that while I owe them nothing doesn't meant that I shouldn't give them something... for example:

1. my spouse
2. my children
3. law enforcement (but even they say you have the right to remain silent).

Here I go back to setting boundaries is good, see how short I just made that list. Granted if my boss asks me why I said or did something and I'm like "I don' t have to explain myself to you!" I'm probably gonna get fired. 

So all of that to perfect this:

I co-parent 6 children with 4 other parents. For my children, 2 kids have 4 parents, and 4 kids have 3 parents. Their are 5 of us co-parenting 6 kids. That isn't an easy task. It means that 4 of us are actively trying to work with out exes to do what is best for our children. I am certain for all of us this can be a challenge and we have our own negativity to struggle with, we don't need yours. Instead that means we choose to let go of our own hurt, face our fears, and choose love. 

Over the last year I have sat with some accusations from people who I thought should have known better, should have known me better. Lies create pain and heartache... and I am not going to apologize for things I didn't do and I am not going to try to justify my choices to them or to you. 

Without going into the accusations, (because remember I block that kinda crazy) my choice, (that you can all weigh in on if you want, but know your opinion doesn't mater) was to let 4 of my children have the relationship they choose with their father.  To be clear here the custody that I share with my ex-husband was never a negotiation. He has always said that the children were better off with me, and I have always said I would do all that was within my power to help him maintain a healthy relationship with our children. I can remember a time when our oldest daughter, who at the time was 6 asked her father who she should live with if we got a divorce. Her father said, "Your mom of course, she will keep you alive. I would forget to feed you." In that moment he was removing the heartache of choosing sides. Fast forward another 4 years and we were divorced.  There is a past there, poor choices, trauma, mental illness... the list goes on. That means letting go of our own hurt, facing fear, and choosing love. This summer that meant 2 of the kiddos stayed home with me and my husband and 2 of them went to go visit their father. I am incredible proud of him for showing grace and understanding and letting them choose that for themselves. He didn't have to. 

The journey of co-parenting is a challenging one. For most of us, we don't want to share our children with our ex-spouses. I didn't pour my entire being into another little person so that I could share them. I am not the only parent who has something to give though. I am not the only parent that my children crave connection with. In what can be a painful tug of war, what damage is done when we restrict or hinder relationship. My goal as a mom, to all of my children, not just the 4 I gave birth to, is to raise well rounded, loving, whole people. So once again, I choose letting go of my hurt, facing my fear, and choosing love.

There are a lot of why did you, how could you, scenarios. I could never, I would never... The truth is we all face those choices every day.  Do you chose to answer out of fear or love?

Perspective isn't truth or fact...

Over the past few days I have come across a few Facebook posts that got under my skin a bit and I am taking a moment to blog about one of them, mainly in hopes that they just stop rolling around in my head.

"When someone no longer has need of you, it is then that you will see their true colors."

Now I have seen this quote or one similar to it half a dozen times. It hasn't ever really bothered me before. For the most part I see the truth in it. Yes, there are people who will be friendly as long as they are taking something from you. Once they have drained from you what they can, they are gone. We have all come across that issue and we hope to avoid it in the future.

This last time I read it though it really bothered me. What if, you were still needed? What if by your own actions you pushed them away? Could someone's true colors just be them standing up for themselves?

... and then I had a conversation with my husband. I so appreciate our differences in perspective. Even more so I appreciate that we can have a conversation about those perspectives. I love that he will help guide me through what was really bothering me about the statement.

That isn't want the quote is even about though, my husband pointed out. I argued, from the perspective of the poster, maybe they weren't in the wrong. To which my husband lovingly pointed out, perspective isn't truth or fact. 

 He is right. You can and should set boundaries and when you do and people don't respect them, you get to choose how to live in that moment. Do you walk away? Do you offer more opportunity? The perspective on the person who violates the boundaries maters not.

So then what about forgiveness? How many times do I forgive someone who continually crosses clear set boundaries? The answer, as often as I allow them to cross the boundaries. That does not mean that I leave myself in the position to allow them to cross the boundaries. If you were building a house and someone came along in a bulldozer and started tearing it down, you would stop them.

Setting boundaries is healthy and good. That doesn't mean everyone is going to like your boundaries and it doesn't mean that everyone is going to respect your boundaries. The opinions of others do not mean that you are wrong or a bad guy for having boundaries. Let them say what they will.

Object Lessons - Taking the Next Step

When I was little on Sunday the kids would be dismissed from the adult service to go to Sunday school. They would call the kids up to the front of the church, we would sit in a circle around someone who gave us a 5 minute object lesson. Then we would all head down stairs for Sunday school. As a middle school student I can remember teaching a few of those object lessons. Those lesson were always my favorite. I still remember a lot of them. As an adult I love that God still gives me those little lessons, they are still my favorite.

As often happens my husband and I found ourselves with time to kill during the kid shuffle. You know that time that isn't really long enough to accomplish anything before you pick up or drop of one kid just so that you can do it again with another kid. We decided to explore a cave that we had driven by at least a dozen times. We did not have enough time to really explore, just long enough to make it to the back of what was easily accessible.

The first thing I realized. We were not prepared. I need to keep the camera with me at all times. Headlamps are much more useful in that situation the cellphone flashlights. Oh dear sweet Jesus I am so out of shape. Also, there is a confidence that I had as a child that I no longer have. There was a time that I had no fear of loose rocks or falling... I wonder where that confidence has gone. My guess is that I lost it about the time I became afraid of getting hurt. My husband says he doesn't think I am afraid of getting hurt as much as I am aware of the amount of pain just walking across the room can case. I think he is probably right.

As we had reached the back of the cave we climbed a few little rocks and then up onto a bolder so that we could see farther into the cave. Again, not prepared appropriately this is where we stopped. It was the step from the last two smaller rocks and onto the bolder that God would use as the object lesson I am about to share with you.

I stepped up onto one rock and took a step to the next. It shook beneath my foot and I became afraid to take the next step up onto the bolder. I had my cellphone in one hand for a light, but could not see anywhere to put my free hand to brace for the next step. I stood there frozen in fear. I was about to fall and brake something, probably me, but my fear was more for my phone. I tried to look around, but the more I moved, the harder it was to keep my balance. Stacy was just a couple of steps in front of me. He looked back and asked what was wrong. "I can't move!" I don't think I shouted it, but I was in a bit of a panic. He always seems calm when I am freaking out. He told me to just take a step. I tried to calmly explain why that wasn't possible. Again, I'm not sure that I expressed my self as calmly as I hoped. Just reach up, he said. The cave ceiling was so close that if I had stood strait up I would have hit my head on it. I didn't know that though. I did what he said, and was able to regain my footing and move forward.

We saw as far as we could see, looked in all the cool little crevices and then headed back to the front of the cave where we had parked. We got in the car and drove off to do the kid shuffle. I thanked him for handling that situation how he did, for not yelling at me for being afraid or treating me like I was dumb. That is not how he has ever handled any situation with me, but I may of some baggage. He simply thanked me for trusting him.

It was easy for me to trust him. Why wouldn't it be? He had gone farther into the cave than I had. He had made it past those two rocks. He could also see what I could not. I had a limited view of my situation. He could see it all.

...and that is where God gave me an object lesson.

For the last few weeks we have been talking about God making a way where there seems to be no way and we have watched Him make a way where there was not. We had been, and if I am honest, I still am struggling to see how some of our hearts desires are going to come to pass. In the natural there seems to be no way. Here is the thing though, God sees our situation, he knows it better than we do. He can see what I can not. My view is limited, His is not. I just have to trust Him, listen to Him, and take the next step. 

August 18, 2000 Something VS today

"A million thoughts are playing in my mind. Loud and quiet and all at the same time.  Each vying for the slightest bit of my attention.  To put them down paper...then they could run free.  If I did would they no longer bother me?  Would I never think of them again??  As you can see just thinking these thoughts leads to more thoughts.  Writing what I have has made you think too.  So then only imagine what would happen should I let the previous thoughts run free???  I wonder if you think the same things too.  Do you?  I don't know because if I were to be more specific, that would let them out and that...that my friend is just not safe.  So like rabbits, they just stay in my mind doing the things that rabbits do. They just keep multiplying. "

I wrote the post above what seems a million years ago. I remember writing this post, I remember the subject matter. A subject I dare not have shared. Fast forward to today, and these rabbits are free. I know now, what I didn't know then... I wonder now if the years were wasted, or if everything really does just happen in perfect timing. You can't move forward caught up in the past. I must move forward, thankful for a million memories, plotting a new course, dreaming a new dream. 

Object Lessons- Letting go

On a recent visit to the town square my children practiced their rock climbing skills on a monument in front of the old court house, for that matter their Dad took a turn too. I know we probably should have found something more suitable to climb on, but we didn't. It isn't a large monument, probably about 6 foot tall and twice as long. It was intriguing to watch them all find the best place for hand and foot holds. They put so much thought into each movement, I was proud of them.

The boys scampered up the monument with ease and happily perched themselves on top. It presented quite a bit more challenge for the girls though. Evelynn had a few false starts before she was able to conquer her fear and make it to the top.  With coaxing and coaching and cheering she finally made her way up. Her reign was short lived though. Mommy's fears of her falling off the top took over. Daddy quickly helped her down. Lilli had every bit of determination as any of the others did. She started up the monument and then backed down quite a few times as well. With David and I both spotting her she finally got her left hand on top of the monument. That right hand presented a problem though. She had a death grip, and there was no letting go. She could feel us hold her up. She could hear us all cheer her on, but she could not bring herself to let go with that right hand. Her goal with in reach, yet unable to move forward, she was left disappointed as she back down for the last time.