I Owe You No Explanation

It is strange to look back on life. Strange to try to view circumstances and situations from someone else's perspective. How warped a picture can be when they tell you what their perspective is. Note if you can read this blog post, that statement isn't about you, because yes I will shamelessly block that kind of crazy from life in a heart beat. 

One of the things that I learned long ago and I am somewhat certain  I have blogged about before is that I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I owe no one an explanation. (Check out Romans 4 & 5) Now here is the other line of thought there, there are some people that while I owe them nothing doesn't meant that I shouldn't give them something... for example:

1. my spouse
2. my children
3. law enforcement (but even they say you have the right to remain silent).

Here I go back to setting boundaries is good, see how short I just made that list. Granted if my boss asks me why I said or did something and I'm like "I don' t have to explain myself to you!" I'm probably gonna get fired. 

So all of that to perfect this:

I co-parent 6 children with 4 other parents. For my children, 2 kids have 4 parents, and 4 kids have 3 parents. Their are 5 of us co-parenting 6 kids. That isn't an easy task. It means that 4 of us are actively trying to work with out exes to do what is best for our children. I am certain for all of us this can be a challenge and we have our own negativity to struggle with, we don't need yours. Instead that means we choose to let go of our own hurt, face our fears, and choose love. 

Over the last year I have sat with some accusations from people who I thought should have known better, should have known me better. Lies create pain and heartache... and I am not going to apologize for things I didn't do and I am not going to try to justify my choices to them or to you. 

Without going into the accusations, (because remember I block that kinda crazy) my choice, (that you can all weigh in on if you want, but know your opinion doesn't mater) was to let 4 of my children have the relationship they choose with their father.  To be clear here the custody that I share with my ex-husband was never a negotiation. He has always said that the children were better off with me, and I have always said I would do all that was within my power to help him maintain a healthy relationship with our children. I can remember a time when our oldest daughter, who at the time was 6 asked her father who she should live with if we got a divorce. Her father said, "Your mom of course, she will keep you alive. I would forget to feed you." In that moment he was removing the heartache of choosing sides. Fast forward another 4 years and we were divorced.  There is a past there, poor choices, trauma, mental illness... the list goes on. That means letting go of our own hurt, facing fear, and choosing love. This summer that meant 2 of the kiddos stayed home with me and my husband and 2 of them went to go visit their father. I am incredible proud of him for showing grace and understanding and letting them choose that for themselves. He didn't have to. 

The journey of co-parenting is a challenging one. For most of us, we don't want to share our children with our ex-spouses. I didn't pour my entire being into another little person so that I could share them. I am not the only parent who has something to give though. I am not the only parent that my children crave connection with. In what can be a painful tug of war, what damage is done when we restrict or hinder relationship. My goal as a mom, to all of my children, not just the 4 I gave birth to, is to raise well rounded, loving, whole people. So once again, I choose letting go of my hurt, facing my fear, and choosing love.

There are a lot of why did you, how could you, scenarios. I could never, I would never... The truth is we all face those choices every day.  Do you chose to answer out of fear or love?

So here I sit and 12 am...

I am not tired although I am sure I should be.  The house is silent and all I here is the sound of the train passing by and the heater that has kicked on.  There are so many things that I should be doing with this time I am essentially wasting.  There are Christmas gifts to finish, laundry to wash and fold, dishes to do crayon to be washed off the walls...the list goes on and on.  Instead here sit typing hoping to impart to someone the little tidbits I have thought about all week long.  Well you know it is only Thursday...

I am a mom of 4 children, 3 on the borderline of special needs.  I say borderline because, if you were to look at them you would say, "they look normal to me."  To which I say "looks can be deceiving."  Now I really have come to the conclusion that if you knew what you were looking for, your child would be far from normal.  All of us would be riding the short bus if you really split us a part.  Over that past week though I have come to hold these truths true for every child and every parent.

 Once you become a parent, be a parent.  As much as we would all like to be our child's or children's best friend.  That is simply not what being a parent is.  It won't be easy to be a parent.  You will want to get out and away and forget that you are responsible for a life.  Your idealistic date every Friday is a nice thought but not very practical. Your child won't like you and will probably utter I hate you  by the time that they are 4.  Really don't be foolish that won't be the first time they have thought it.  Whatever form of discipline you though you could rely on, just throw it out the window.  There will never be enough hours in the day to ensure that you get it all done.  Every dream that you ever had of how things were going to be well...they probably weren't realistic anyway.  Everything is not going to be perfect.  It will in fact be messy.  Should you ever get the mess clean, it will mean that you were home without children and they will soon be home to mess it all up.

Being a parent is about being creative.  So you weren't the school artist or drama queen.  Here is the time to live it up.  Stop and smell the flowers, the may be turned into bunny food by morning.  It is not going to matter to your child tomorrow that your bills were paid or that the laundry was done, but they will surely talk about how mommy crawled on the floor and barked like a dog .  They will be amazed at how well you color in the lines, but they will like to know that even mommy colors out side the lines every once in a while.  If they are bouncing off the walls, bounce with them.  Really who is it going to hurt?  When they are loud be louder.  Turn up the music and sing like you are a rock star and they will sing with you.  Anything can become a game.

Children learn to value themselves when you show them you value them, but also by showing them you value yourself.  Say what you mean, mean what you say and do what you say.  I am sure that we have all heard that a million times.  It is true.  Your child or children will allow you to be the door mat if you let them.  They only have the authority you give them.  Learn to recognize when the problem is you and not them.  Sometimes mommy needs a time out, put yourself there and call it what it is.  Anxiety is contagious, keeping your cool will help them maintain theirs.

Goodnight all!
J