Cantankerous Old Woman

     Outdoors the cool crisp air smells of rain as a cloud has settled down into the valley. The leaves are all shades of amber, gold, green, and red. I feel winter calling and I wonder just how much longer we have until the snow flies. Today is the perfect day for soup and sandwiches and the smell of corned beef wafts through the house as my husband prepares dinner. Yes, it is just afternoon and he has started working on it. That is how it works with a large family. Preparation starts early. I ask if I can help but that is generally met with a polite "No, thank you. But, here try this." Instead I try to busy myself with some other chore. It again is met with a polite denial. "Please stop, I will get that." 

    Today he knows that everything hurts. That isn't new. It is the same story as yesterday and the day before. Thursday I got to help though, ( I swept the floor) as we shape the house to fit our family. Friday I needed to take a kiddo to a doctors appointment. There is such beauty at this hideaway in the middle of national forest. It means that drive to the doctor was long though. So today the pain is extra. 2 days up may mean several days down and I have yet to find the balance between mobility and immobility. 

 

     Oh, the thought of sitting down to write and get it all out at once in one day. It never happens though. Saturday as I sat to write, a stream of children trickled in the room. It was really the first quiet moment I could recall in quite some time. I was sitting down at the computer because I wanted to, not because work was calling. The stream of children is what happens when they know I am not working. Saturdays, if I am not working, are not for me. Neither is Sunday for that matter, or realistically any other day of the week. I opted to step away from the typing rather than be frustrated that I was trying to get this post out there... I don't know where there is... out into the universe I suppose, but the kids were wanting my attention. I relocated to the Livingroom. This action must have scared them, they all scattered back into their bedrooms. 

       

    The end of another fall day has come. The air is now brisk and cold. Stace is working on one of a few projects that have pushed their way to the front of the line. I look around and there are so many projects started, each of them important but trailing back further and further on the list of what must get done. I look around and there is much to be done. Changing seasons or seasons of change have left me with more to do than I can physically or mentally can do. 

       Truth be told this changing of seasons has been a bit of a struggle for me. My Momma always said if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. So... So I haven't been saying much of anything these days. It isn't that fall is here. The crisp cool air seems refreshing. It is that quite literally life keeps changing, just when I am used to it, just when I am comfortable, just when... 

     

    When I worked at Glen Valley Care Center as a CNA there was this woman whom I loved. She was the most cantankerous old woman. Every time anyone walked in her room she would just start swearing at them, me included. At the time I wondered just how it had come to be that she was the way she was. I didn't really blame her. I saw how most of the residents had felt abandoned and scared. I can even imagine what it is like in a nursing home during the current situation. Anyway, I loved her. I loved that I knew she was just putting a voice to what others were not. I am quite certain just one too many times this woman bit her tongue. For the sake of family, or professionalism, or just because her Momma said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Finally she had had enough.  

    I was recalling her memory the other day with the kids. The oldest chimed in that I will never be put  in a nursing home. I just told him it wouldn't bother me one way or the other. He just needed to brace himself for the cantankerous, swearing old lady I am likely to become. The memory of this woman resonates with my soul. 

Be Kind or Be Quiet...

In the last 30 days there have been to what seems like just as many appointments. I am tired. It is currently 8:30 in the morning. I left the house at 7 and I will be back to the house by 10. I forgot to take my meds before I left the house this morning. I hate early morning appointments; but if they are scheduled later, the entire day goes to waste. Today's appointment just requires that I am chauffeur. Not taking meds before I left the house, is likely to bite me in the @$$ later. Aetna knows better than my doctor, so what should be my meds is not. Ehlers-danlos Syndrome/Hyper-mobility Syndrome Not Otherwise Specified (as Dr. Gamble puts it, "If I say it is Ehlers-danlos syndrome nobody knows what it is, Hyper-mobility is self explanatory, it makes no difference what I call it as long as I treat it the same")... call it what you want,has left me depleted. I'm tired and everything ALWAYS hurts. My joints, all of them are causing cascading failures. I saw this post to the left last night on Facebook, and in made me mad. I bit my tongue and practiced the art of keep scrolling... Instead I am just addressing it in a blog post today. Oh the irony.

Yes, yes actually my genetics really do suck. Yes, there are literally things missing from my life because of my genetics. I know the person who posted it meant well. I know they were trying to be encouraging and motivating. I just have a hard time finding blanket judgmental statements as motivating. No, Monday doesn't suck, it was a beautiful quiet day. The weather was gorgeous. My husband was and still is amazing! On Monday though the nerve pain in my left leg, because of my genetic condition, was so much I cried myself to a very restless sleep. On Monday even though the weather was BEAUTIFUL I didn't walk down to the garden to pick vegetables, because my hip was dislocated, again. This photo to the left is where I sat and waited today because yes, my genetics suck. Only I sat here and waited not for me but for my son. Because, well you know, genetics. (Don't worry, he is fine, just going to what will be one of a million appointments because of his genetics.) At 12 years old my daughter could tell you she will adopt children, because she won't want to pass her genetics down to her kids. At 12 years old she knew pain that most adults never will.  At 10 years old sitting with the Geneticist we were told, "At 12 we just automatically refer the girls with this condition to the pain management specialist."


My point in all of this guys BE KIND OR BE QUIET. It really is that simple. You don't know what everyone is dealing with. Remember, social media is the highlight reel. It is the echo chamber of opinions and facts that seemingly are interchangeable. Before you post something on social media pause and think, is this going to help someone or hurt someone. In a virtual world where the only way we "get social interaction" is to scroll through Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, BE KIND.

Unpacked

I have just spent a few minutes going back and reading through previous blog posts. A lot has changed since I started this blog over a decade ago.This one thing rings true through the years, I have not been near as consistent with this as I want to be. So this, this is the disclaimer. Blogging is going to be a scheduled task. Y'all might want to pray about it. This content might get a bit dry or redundant otherwise.

The thing is realistically I know what is going on in this moment. I need to CREATE. The problem, I have half a dozen started projects. Yesterday I thought I would create a poll. What should I be doing now? The truth, FINISHING at least one project I have started. Yesterday that meant I got off of facebook, I didn't post a poll. I went and unpacked 3 boxes. I unpacked 3 boxes that have been in storage. Items I haven't used in 2 years and as of right now have no idea where to put. 

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Forever back in the day I have a blog post of before during and after photos of the shelf catastrophe I was attempting to tame. This is the story of almost every room in the house in the moment. Well not to that degree. It just turns out I suck at moving. In 2018 while preparing to move to Virginia I unpacked boxes that had been in the attic since I moved in 2007. Those boxes had been packed from the move from Colorado to Texas. Surely if I had not even seen the inside of those boxes in over 10 years I didn't need to open them now, they could have gone in the trash right? Instead I sorted through them and retrieved my long lost treasures. Now that those treasures have been packed for another 2 years I wonder if they were really treasures...

June was another month of moving, although my address didn't change. My in-laws new house in town was finished, so before the kids all went to visit their other parents we moved Pop and Grandma into their new house. Essentially this means we were moving 2 houses at once. The kids were, FOR THE MOST PART, better at moving into their new rooms and getting things out of storage. But here I sit in my office/den/ bedroom (clearly I have no clue what to call this space) and other than the computer and printer, everything is still in boxes. The closet was easy, so the clothes are put away. I guess at least there is that. The kitchen is a bit better. A bit better in that my husband can cook in it. (That is a strange thought, I used to do all the cooking, now maybe a meal or 2 every 6 months.) This "move" meant that the kitchen and dinning room now share the same space and what was the dining room is now living room. We haven't really even started in there other than to get furniture out of storage. But it is all just pushed clear of a walk way. I feel like everything is still waiting to be unpacked. 

EVERYTHING IS STILL WAITING TO BE UNPACKED... someone help me here. Where is creativity in unpacking? Why, why unpack it why not get rid of it all? It has sat in storage for so long clearly we don't need it. Ahhh the object lesson here... 

Personal growth, "moving" forward is just what all of this is. What are we carrying around in boxes for years that we need to unpack? What is in storage that needs be brought up and dealt with? Are there treasures we need to unbury, is their junk that we just need to toss out? If I wander into any room in the house right now I am over whelmed at what needs to be done. If I just open up this one box though. And that is it! Personal growth is crating. Probably not in the traditional sense and probably not in the most fun of ways. Just maybe it is the most productive way...

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Daytime Pajamas...

I think I should just come back to this particular blog post and start a new post every time I feel like posting, but have no idea of the following:

1. where the post is going
2. if I will find the time to finish it
3. a slew of other excuses that keep me from blogging on the regular. 

Maybe there is a patter to all the false starts. Maybe all of those false starts in one post would just be funny to go back and read. This is what was saved in the draft I just sat down to-

Why yes, yes I did just change from my night time pjs to my daytime pjs. If I am being honest the line between the two has blended. Anyone who has known me since high school would tell you that I really have been training for this moment in history since then, when I frequently arrived at school in flannel pajama pants.

As I sit to type again I battle between the thoughts. there is so much that I could say (er.. um... type) at the moment. Torn between:

1.  being vulnerable and saying to much
2. being angry and not caring what people think
3. bailing on all of that "real" life yuck, being light hearted and silly
4.  saying screw it all because I'm dyslexic and spell check says hearted is spelled wrong and I don't know how to fix it. (Here we won't talk about the list of other words that I have changed because I couldn't figure out how to spell them.)

See this is the struggle, all of that should be balanced right? 

I Owe You No Explanation

It is strange to look back on life. Strange to try to view circumstances and situations from someone else's perspective. How warped a picture can be when they tell you what their perspective is. Note if you can read this blog post, that statement isn't about you, because yes I will shamelessly block that kind of crazy from life in a heart beat. 

One of the things that I learned long ago and I am somewhat certain  I have blogged about before is that I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I owe no one an explanation. (Check out Romans 4 & 5) Now here is the other line of thought there, there are some people that while I owe them nothing doesn't meant that I shouldn't give them something... for example:

1. my spouse
2. my children
3. law enforcement (but even they say you have the right to remain silent).

Here I go back to setting boundaries is good, see how short I just made that list. Granted if my boss asks me why I said or did something and I'm like "I don' t have to explain myself to you!" I'm probably gonna get fired. 

So all of that to perfect this:

I co-parent 6 children with 4 other parents. For my children, 2 kids have 4 parents, and 4 kids have 3 parents. Their are 5 of us co-parenting 6 kids. That isn't an easy task. It means that 4 of us are actively trying to work with out exes to do what is best for our children. I am certain for all of us this can be a challenge and we have our own negativity to struggle with, we don't need yours. Instead that means we choose to let go of our own hurt, face our fears, and choose love. 

Over the last year I have sat with some accusations from people who I thought should have known better, should have known me better. Lies create pain and heartache... and I am not going to apologize for things I didn't do and I am not going to try to justify my choices to them or to you. 

Without going into the accusations, (because remember I block that kinda crazy) my choice, (that you can all weigh in on if you want, but know your opinion doesn't mater) was to let 4 of my children have the relationship they choose with their father.  To be clear here the custody that I share with my ex-husband was never a negotiation. He has always said that the children were better off with me, and I have always said I would do all that was within my power to help him maintain a healthy relationship with our children. I can remember a time when our oldest daughter, who at the time was 6 asked her father who she should live with if we got a divorce. Her father said, "Your mom of course, she will keep you alive. I would forget to feed you." In that moment he was removing the heartache of choosing sides. Fast forward another 4 years and we were divorced.  There is a past there, poor choices, trauma, mental illness... the list goes on. That means letting go of our own hurt, facing fear, and choosing love. This summer that meant 2 of the kiddos stayed home with me and my husband and 2 of them went to go visit their father. I am incredible proud of him for showing grace and understanding and letting them choose that for themselves. He didn't have to. 

The journey of co-parenting is a challenging one. For most of us, we don't want to share our children with our ex-spouses. I didn't pour my entire being into another little person so that I could share them. I am not the only parent who has something to give though. I am not the only parent that my children crave connection with. In what can be a painful tug of war, what damage is done when we restrict or hinder relationship. My goal as a mom, to all of my children, not just the 4 I gave birth to, is to raise well rounded, loving, whole people. So once again, I choose letting go of my hurt, facing my fear, and choosing love.

There are a lot of why did you, how could you, scenarios. I could never, I would never... The truth is we all face those choices every day.  Do you chose to answer out of fear or love?

Oster

It has been a year since we packed up our lives in Denton and prepared for a new adventure. It has been a year of unexpected change and growth. In August it will be a year since we took our city kids and moved them to a small mountain town. We left a life neatly packed in a storage unit that we hoped we could return for soon. It has been almost a year since we left almost everything and everyone we knew behind.

In all of this I have had conversations with God. Some "conversations" were more that of a 2 year old throwing a temper-tantrum as I stomped my feet, yelled and cried about just how unfair life is. I appreciate that so much about my God. He is much more of a patient parent than I am. I am pretty sure that He is tired of telling me the same thing, wondering when I will ever get it through my thick skull. Some days I am certain He just looks at me, shakes his head and chuckles, others He wants to give me a high five... to the face... with a chair. Then there are the days that He shows me simple reminders or proves to me once again, He knew about the obstacle before I did, and He made a way through or around them.

I became part of a step family as an adult. I have only met my Step-mother once, and I have not met any of her children, other than the 2 sisters that I grew up with. She seems like a very kind and loving woman and I am sad that my relationship with her is filtered through the nonexistent relationship with my dad. My step-father on the other hand seemed to step up when my dad made relationship difficult. My kids have spent summers with him and my mom on the farm. He has 3 sons, 2 that I have met, spent time with, I know their names. We did not grow up together and our relationship is limited. We are all adults, we do our own things, we have our own lives.

I now have step-children. It is a bizarre thing, knowing of, praying for and loving children, who are not "yours", that you know you may never meet, and if you do meet them, knowing that they may not want to have a relationship with you. It is hard to navigate how to choose interaction. That is complicated by what relationships they have or have not had with their dad. I reflect here on the relationship I have with my step-mother, and...

We are a blended family. That is new to 6 out of 8 of us. While I have step-families, and so does my husband, I would in no way say that I have I ever been part of a "blended" family.  In my home currently there are 6 children, whom I love with my whole heart. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for any of them if time and money were never an issue. Here they would all chime in, "you won't bail us out of jail." They are right, I won't. As I type this there are 6 children navigating a situation that they didn't choose, that as an adult I don't know how to navigate most days. We have had our moments. Some of our ups and downs have made me ponder how it would ever work. "I hate this, I don't want my own siblings let alone new ones!"  "Just remember he was my dad first!" The pain in their eyes and voices palpable. You see in order for this something beautiful to be, something else was broken. There are 6 children in my home who have lost bits or chunks of their childhood dealing with adult things. Now we ask of them this one more thing, make space and build relationships. Along with the hard hurtful moments there have been soft tender moments that I hope I never forget. Yesterday as they bickered among themselves, and worked it out, (and nearly drove me crazy) I couldn't help but think, this is it we have done it! We are a BLENDED Family. I don't know how many of you have ever sat and stared intently at a blender while it was running, but it is a really good word picture for how some of this has felt.

Then there is God with his gentle reminders. A good part of the spring the men/boys (the girls would protest "we helped too!" Ummm...) at our home have been clearing land and building fences. They used some of the logs that they cleared for fence posts.  These logs had been trees. In the way, they were cut down, stripped down and cut into usable sizes and moved. As my husband showed this "post" to our children they all said various things that struck me. The post had rooted and was becoming a tree again. There was concern about what would happen to the fence as the tree grew. Even as I type this and replay the conversations in my head I know that there is much to learn from this tree. God giving me yet another gentle reminder that we can see very hard things; everything we know can change; we can be stripped down to nothing, but in that God is still able to move. He is still able to help us grow. God is able give us new life. He is able to make us whole again. This tree will always have the scars left from being cut down, it won't be what it once was, but it will be something beautiful.

My family, we are everything I see in this tree. 

Southwest Airlines/Wells Fargo adventures...

It has been a stressful few days and I though I would share my fun, just in case any of you should find yourselves in a similar situation.

On Friday I opened up my Southwest Airlines mobile app in order to book a flight. This has become a regular occurrence and I should have known better from the beginning. The reservation that I make, every month has to be completed online. It doesn't seem to phase me though, every month I try to do it from my phone. I was in town on Friday when for my first attempt, just after I had deposited the required funding into my Wells Fargo account. I am always afraid the price is going to jump and I won't be able to make the purchase, so like a fool I opened up the app. I am sure that here is a lesson in walking in faith instead of fear... clearly a lesson I am still trying to learn.

Second attempt. I got home and sat down at the computer and typed in all the required information. I successfully made it through the first screen, the second screen and was well into the 3 page and just about to complete my transaction when I clicked the wrong button and was sent back to the first page. No, just as I had feared, the price had jumped by $140. In a panic because I didn't have and extra $140 lying around I called Southwest.

The representative that I was speaking with was very friendly, and understanding, but "fares change all of the time" and there was not really that much that she could do for me. She was kind and as helpful as she could be and set up a new reservation that would still cost me $65 more, but that seemed way more manageable, and there was money in one account that should have just enough to cover it all. This should have been my first clue that something was wrong. My card was declined. Thinking maybe I had just done the math wrong I split the payment between 2 bank accounts and secured my reservation. I sighed a deep sigh of relief, I had my reservation confirmation and everything was set. I hung up the phone and then a text came in.

I have my Wells Fargo account alerts set so that over-drafting the account is next to impossible.  My I had breached my balance threshold. In came another text. My account was overdrawn the amount of a plane ticket. To my horror I opened up my bank account to see that there were 2 charges from Southwest. I frantically checked my email. I only had confirmation that the flight was booked once. I had never made it through the complete reservation process on my second attempt and hadn't even made it to the payment screen on my first attempt. Yet there in my bank account there was proof I had multiple reservations.

Now hold times with southwest can be insanely long. From the 2nd attempt to  make a purchase and my conversation with the Southwest rep I had spent 30 minutes on hold. This by the way did nothing for my fear that the price was going to go up yet again, or even worse, the 3 tickets that were left would be gone. So I opened up my Southwest app again and had a chat conversation with Sue. Sue was able to confirm that there was indeed 2 itineraries with the same information. She was great though, she saved the day canceling the more expensive flight and sending me the confirmation information for the second flight. No one can really explain how it happened. The time stamps from the bank are the same, and that makes me think that the second reservation pushed the first one through. Not that any of that matters as Southwest was quick to resolve this issue.

I set the phone down and walked into the kitchen to give my husband an update. He said something along the lines of you'll feel better until you find out how long it will take to get a refund. That thought had not even crossed my mind! This would lead to a round of chatting and phone calls. The estimated refund time, 10-30 days. I called Wells Fargo and started a dispute. I was told by the phone banker that there would be a temporary credit and refund all overdraft charges, and that rather then 10-30 days it would take 1-10 to get the issue resolved. This was welcomed news. On to the the next bank. They were kind, but stated that without a hold release letter, since Southwest has started the refund processes, I would just have to sit and wait. I chatted and called south west yet again. In my chat conversation I was told to call. When I called I sat on hold once again forever only to be told I needed to speak with someone in the corporate office and they closed in for the weekend in 20 minutes. My estimated hold time was 28 minutes... I called it quits for the weekend.

I watched the bank accounts like a hawk all weekend long. Wells Fargo hadn't issued a credit. There were still bills to pay, mouths to feed, and gas tanks to fill. Needless to say, I was a mess. To add to the fun Kid number 2 had fundraising funds coming in to the Wells Fargo account. Again here is where I am clear the lesson I am learning is about trusting that God has it all under control. Better control that I will ever have. I am also certain that I will keep having opportunities to grow in this area, until I figure it out.

Monday I woke early to the sound of bank notifications. Wells Fargo still had not issued a temporary credit and now there was an overdraft fee. I resumed the phone calls. The first to Southwest corporate offices. Once again, hold times were stupid, but the level of care, understanding and professionalism shown was amazing. The agent let me know that if you are in the call cue before they close for they day, they stay until the all of the calls have been answered. The representative explained a few more things, like the refund systems and that at most the refund would take 3 days. She put me on a hold for a minute and worked her magic for one bank account and then said for the Wells Fargo account it might be better to wait the 3 days. I couldn't see that the charge was a pending transaction any more and she didn't want to do anything on her end that might slow the refund down. By the time I got off of the phone with her funds were back in one bank account.

I called Wells Fargo. They waived the overdraft fee and stated that is all they could do until the charge wasn't pending any more. What? I called Southwest back and got a hold release letter. Here I want to point out the professionalism. I am sure that the representative could see when Southwest had released the hold. She could have said take this up with your bank, their dumb. Instead she gave me everything she could to resolve this issue while apologizing for my experience. With the hold release from sitting in my email I called Wells Fargo back. I explained to the the Wells Fargo representative what the situation and asked how to send the hold release letter in. The representative let me know there was no need for the letter. Southwest had released the funds on Saturday and I just needed to wait for the banking system to update at midnight.

Yes, yes you all read that correctly. SOUTHWEST RELEASED THE HOLD ON SATURDAY and on MONDAY MORNING WELLS FARGO WAS CHARGING ME OVERDRAFT FEES and MAKING ME WAIT UNTIL TUESDAY TO PUT THE MONEY BACK IN MY ACCOUNT. The overdraft fee, by the way, was attached to a gas purchase made on Wednesday. Wednesday, a full 2 days before the fiasco ensued.

Tuesday at 4 am, the funds were finally back in my account. I was relieved and yet still angry. I couldn't help but wonder, if I hadn't filed the dispute would I have just had to eat that overdraft fee? I also can't help but wonder how it was legal that the the hold was released by Southwest but Wells Fargo was holding it and then charging me fees. I was also left wondering how many times this has happened to others. I would close the Wells Fargo account completely after this experience, but living in a small mountain town, my banking choices are limited.

I walk away from all of that learning the following:
There is something to being diligent but letting go and letting God... I need to work on that.
Southwest customer service is stellar and worth every minute of hold time. (The last Southwest representative told me to avoid hold times reach out to them on social media platforms like Twitter and Facebook. That made me laugh.)
Wells Fargo will hold money out of your account and charge you insufficient funds fees. Filing a dispute and the first sign of an issue may be the only way to avoid paying those fees.