It is strange to look back on life. Strange to try to view circumstances and situations from someone else's perspective. How warped a picture can be when they tell you what their perspective is. Note if you can read this blog post, that statement isn't about you, because yes I will shamelessly block that kind of crazy from life in a heart beat.
One of the things that I learned long ago and I am somewhat certain I have blogged about before is that I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I owe no one an explanation. (Check out Romans 4 & 5) Now here is the other line of thought there, there are some people that while I owe them nothing doesn't meant that I shouldn't give them something... for example:
- my spouse
- my children
- law enforcement (but even they say you have the right to remain silent).
Here I go back to setting boundaries is good, see how short I just made that list. Granted if my boss asks me why I said or did something and I'm like "I don' t have to explain myself to you!" I'm probably gonna get fired.
So all of that to perfect this:
I co-parent 6 children with 4 other parents. For my children, 2 kids have 4 parents, and 4 kids have 3 parents. Their are 5 of us co-parenting 6 kids. That isn't an easy task. It means that 4 of us are actively trying to work with out exes to do what is best for our children. I am certain for all of us this can be a challenge and we have our own negativity to struggle with, we don't need yours. Instead that means we choose to let go of our own hurt, face our fears, and choose love.
Over the last year I have sat with some accusations from people who I thought should have known better, should have known me better. Lies create pain and heartache... and I am not going to apologize for things I didn't do and I am not going to try to justify my choices to them or to you.
Without going into the accusations, (because remember I block that kinda crazy) my choice, (that you can all weigh in on if you want, but know your opinion doesn't mater) was to let 4 of my children have the relationship they choose with their father. To be clear here the custody that I share with my ex-husband was never a negotiation. He has always said that the children were better off with me, and I have always said I would do all that was within my power to help him maintain a healthy relationship with our children. I can remember a time when our oldest daughter, who at the time was 6 asked her father who she should live with if we got a divorce. Her father said, "Your mom of course, she will keep you alive. I would forget to feed you." In that moment he was removing the heartache of choosing sides. Fast forward another 4 years and we were divorced. There is a past there, poor choices, trauma, mental illness... the list goes on. That means letting go of our own hurt, facing fear, and choosing love. This summer that meant 2 of the kiddos stayed home with me and my husband and 2 of them went to go visit their father. I am incredible proud of him for showing grace and understanding and letting them choose that for themselves. He didn't have to.
The journey of co-parenting is a challenging one. For most of us, we don't want to share our children with our ex-spouses. I didn't pour my entire being into another little person so that I could share them. I am not the only parent who has something to give though. I am not the only parent that my children crave connection with. In what can be a painful tug of war, what damage is done when we restrict or hinder relationship. My goal as a mom, to all of my children, not just the 4 I gave birth to, is to raise well rounded, loving, whole people. So once again, I choose letting go of my hurt, facing my fear, and choosing love.
There are a lot of why did you, how could you, scenarios. I could never, I would never... The truth is we all face those choices every day. Do you chose to answer out of fear or love?
Yes, yes actually my genetics really do suck. Yes, there are literally things missing from my life because of my genetics. I know the person who posted it meant well. I know they were trying to be encouraging and motivating. I just have a hard time finding blanket judgmental statements as motivating. No, Monday doesn't suck, it was a beautiful quiet day. The weather was gorgeous. My husband was and still is amazing! On Monday though the nerve pain in my left leg, because of my genetic condition, was so much I cried myself to a very restless sleep. On Monday even though the weather was BEAUTIFUL I didn't walk down to the garden to pick vegetables, because my hip was dislocated, again. This photo to the left is where I sat and waited today because yes, my genetics suck. Only I sat here and waited not for me but for my son. Because, well you know, genetics. (Don't worry, he is fine, just going to what will be one of a million appointments because of his genetics.) At 12 years old my daughter could tell you she will adopt children, because she won't want to pass her genetics down to her kids. At 12 years old she knew pain that most adults never will. At 10 years old sitting with the Geneticist we were told, "At 12 we just automatically refer the girls with this condition to the pain management specialist."
