Having a moment...

A wow moment. Somehow, just shy of finishing up my 32nd year of life people still amaze me. I find myself wondering if that will always be the case.

A while back, and by that I mean a couple of years, my husband was learning about different personality types at work. He came home and we took a personality test together.(http://www.mypersonality.info) Surely since he was learning about them at work he had already taken one there but I digress. We took this personality test and found we were polar opposites. Not anything I didn't already know but then we talked about the idea of rounding out your personality.

I find this to be a great thing in theory. That you would be able to round out your personality and meet in the middle with others. My personality type is ISFJ (http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html). While I would like to think that I have tried to have a more rounded personality, I am not quite sure that I have succeeded. My introverted tendencies have taken over. After retaking the test I scored 100% introverted.  (HA!) Leave me in my tight circle of friends or interact with me online (and days like today that isn't even safe) but, I see no reason to get out and socialize.

I say all of that to get to this one thing. While my personality may be somewhat carved in stone I am doing my best to be ...

Anyone know where I was going with that? ANY of it? I came across this "draft" the other day and thought I would try to sit down and finish it. Uh...  Based on my original sentence, someone who I have known for a while had gotten under my skin and I was left awestruck by their sheer stupidity and or selfishness and I was perplexed how it is this person could still amaze me. Based on the last sentence in the 2nd paragraph, the interaction with said person has left me CRANKY. How I would tie the amazement into the personality stuff, who had amazed me and have I continued to have a relationship with that person? Well your guess is as good as mine. Oh well.

SERIOUSLY though, the personality profile information is cool, you can learn a lot about yourself looking at that.

Some Quirky Catchy Title...

...yep lack of creative mojo there. I want some great post title that ties everything together. 

Instead all I get is ...

A couple of things that happen this week that I have had a hard time warping my brain and heart around...

... a cranky teacher broke my 

baby girl ...

... and I was reminded,

people don't last forever...

                     

Now, being that these two events are completely unrelated and really have nothing in common; that could be why I can't find a come up with a title that ties them up together in a neat little package. What they did have in common was that they greatly impacted my mood.

So much so that I quite literally got this far into this post and walked a way for a week before coming back to it.

To say last week was rough was an understatement and well a week later I have no clue where I would have even gone with this post.  I don't think I can offer any insight or great words of wisdom from having survived the fallout.  I walked away conscious of giving extra hugs and kisses and the importance of dropping everything to play. We are, after all, only promised this very moment. I am not certain that I need such a harsh reminder though!

Finding my words

"Ever know just what you want to say...but can't find the words? Welcome to my world"

The quote above was my favorite find of the day, the first Apraxia Awareness Day. It's sentiments  I can't even begin to fathom. To know what you want to communicate, to desperately try, and fail. To watch a look of enthusiasm fade to one of disappointment. Yet,  with extreme determination, she/he/they keep trying.

As I type staring at this smiling little girl, I see how far we have come and am reminded of how much farther we have to go. This journey is not for the faint at heart and though we may have the privilege of accompanying E on this journey, it is hers. I can be here to fight with her and for her, to encourage and love her, and walk along side her, but I can't do what mommies are supposed to do, I can't make it all better.

Most of you reading this blog post know us, you know our family, you are our family, today though I came to the realization that doesn't necessarily mean you know about Childhood Apraxia of Speech. This was painfully demonstrated to me by my 7 year old who simply stated, "it is just when you are old enough to talk, but just don't know how."  So this blog post is dedicated to awareness, that all who read it may have a better understanding of CAS. 

Childhood Apraxia of Speech is a motor speech disorder neurological in origin. Specifically effected is a child's ability to plan and coordinate the motor movements necessary for speech. It has nothing to do with intelligence. They know what they want to say, they just cannot get their mouth to cooperate.   Take the word eat for example,  say it. Think about where your tongue and lips are, the shape your mouth makes. Now what if you had to think about each of those individual movements before you could make them. Then what happens when your brain betrays you?  Even after all that effort you only were able to get the ē sound out. "I want to eat," suddenly becomes a monumental task and comes out sounding something like ŭ ē. Not understood by anyone around you, you try again. To no avail you now begin to point and gesture. You try again and again and finally you are able to get your point across. Now replay this scenario over and over again for every word that you said today.  The most amazing thing to me is that some how through the tears and frustration there are these beautiful resilient determined little people who wipe the tears away smile, and try again. These kiddos spend countless hours in speech and occupational therapy and never give up.

To learn more about Childhood Apraxia of Speech please go to http://www.apraxia-kids.org

To see some of the many faces of CAS please follow this link http://share.snacktools.com/FDE55758B7A/ptmlg5af

Fake it `till you make it...

...was where I left off with desire vs motivation. Essentially, I just had to get up and start somewhere. While I can't say the juice was worth the squeeze, it does feel nice to have theses shelves cleaned and organized. The next undertaking will be the desk in my bedroom. It is so bad, there will not be pictures of the before and after.

All of this stuff...

...and lets not forget this stuff 

came from here.
Now all nice and neat and put away.

I don't know why or how and
 I can't really understand it.

Look there are even extra shelves!

Now what I know is, if we just kept it nice and neat I wouldn't need to be motivated to do anything about it. Why and how I struggle to keep it that way I don't know, but I think it is probably a reflection of something else all together.

Desire VS Motivation Step 1 - Do something.

Make a choice and run with it." I don't want to, I don't want to, screams through my head.  To bad so sad. I must step away form the computer and DO something I lack the motivation to do. Maybe motivation will follow.  I'll let you know how that works out for me. 

The Draft I forgot about and lost...

Almost a year since I sat down at this blog.  I guess constancy with blogging really isn't my strong suit. I have lots of thought on a regular basis and really letting them out of my head, well is almost scary. Do you really want to read that anyway?

So I guess I should start with a bit of an update, you know a lot can change in a year.  A lot can stay the same too!

Keegan~ It is somewhat amazing to me how much he has grown over the year. One thing that I have always found strange is how you notice, or don't notice the changes in the people around you until they are somewhat drastic. Surely he can not be nine, wasn't it just yesterday that he was showing me the "beautiful" worm that he had shoved down into the pocket of his jeans, or telling me, "my heart is breaking because I smashed it with a hammer."

Going back to where I left off, he is doing fine with his reading.  In 3rd grade the focus of his reading skills is no longer fluency but comprehension and he has that down. He is so smart and I blame that on his dad.  Things with him are almost always easy and I hope that it stays that way.  It seems to me that we are quickly approaching dreaded teenage years and I am somewhat baffled by this moody thing that has replaced my sweet innocent cuddle bug.  I didn't expect moody boys.  I have been afraid of having moody teenage girls since Lilli was 2, I just don't know what I was thinking.  Anyway I am sure that he is glad I shared that with you all.

Aiden~ He to is doing great.  He now has a diagnosis of ADHD. Which came first, the chicken of the egg? Would he have had ADHD had he not nearly drown?  I don't know and really it doesn't matter.  In short it just means that Aiden can still be pretty impulsive.  He is doing great in school, as long as he is allowed to sit by himself (he prefers it) and contribute to the conversation when it is appropriate to do so.  We have loved his teacher this year and will be sad to see her retire and the end of next week.

Lilli~ Lilli started Pre-k this past fall!  She has had some struggles but for the most part is also doing very well.  She has been able to catch up to her peers academically but still struggles to keep up physically.  There is still concern that she will have a more difficult time when more is required of her but for now we will live in the moment and enjoy it.  

E.~ She started PPCD in November.  For those of you wondering what the heck is that?  PPCD stands for Preschool Programs for Children with Disabilities.   


Well and that was as far as I got.

March 22, 2011...that was a long time ago.

April 4, 2013, that is today's date. It has been over 2 years since I sat down at blogger. Idealistically I would like to blog regularly, but that requires that I sit down an do it. It isn't for a lack of time, it is for a lack of motivation.  

Keeping a blog really is at the bottom of my list of things that I lack the motivation to do regularly. That leaves me wondering about the difference between desire and motivation. There are lots of things that I would like to do that I desire to do. Several things that I enjoy, blogging being one of them, I just lack the motivation to do. Let's be realistic some things I don't want to do and I have no desire to do them whatsoever, I just need to do them. It isn't that I don't know where to begin or what to do. I can implement a schedule that would allow for it all, I just don't. Which leaves me left with the nagging question WHY?

I have a good I idea as to where my motivation has gone. I am quite certain, that if we could rewind that last 2 years and press play, you would have no doubt where my motivation has gone. So then, the question becomes, once your motivation is gone, how do you get it back?

"So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up or quit." Galatians 6:9

Well I didn't give up and I haven't quit, but I haven't payed much attention to how or what I have been planting. Time to get it together.