Perspective isn't truth or fact...

Over the past few days I have come across a few Facebook posts that got under my skin a bit and I am taking a moment to blog about one of them, mainly in hopes that they just stop rolling around in my head.

"When someone no longer has need of you, it is then that you will see their true colors."

Now I have seen this quote or one similar to it half a dozen times. It hasn't ever really bothered me before. For the most part I see the truth in it. Yes, there are people who will be friendly as long as they are taking something from you. Once they have drained from you what they can, they are gone. We have all come across that issue and we hope to avoid it in the future.

This last time I read it though it really bothered me. What if, you were still needed? What if by your own actions you pushed them away? Could someone's true colors just be them standing up for themselves?

... and then I had a conversation with my husband. I so appreciate our differences in perspective. Even more so I appreciate that we can have a conversation about those perspectives. I love that he will help guide me through what was really bothering me about the statement.

That isn't want the quote is even about though, my husband pointed out. I argued, from the perspective of the poster, maybe they weren't in the wrong. To which my husband lovingly pointed out, perspective isn't truth or fact. 

 He is right. You can and should set boundaries and when you do and people don't respect them, you get to choose how to live in that moment. Do you walk away? Do you offer more opportunity? The perspective on the person who violates the boundaries maters not.

So then what about forgiveness? How many times do I forgive someone who continually crosses clear set boundaries? The answer, as often as I allow them to cross the boundaries. That does not mean that I leave myself in the position to allow them to cross the boundaries. If you were building a house and someone came along in a bulldozer and started tearing it down, you would stop them.

Setting boundaries is healthy and good. That doesn't mean everyone is going to like your boundaries and it doesn't mean that everyone is going to respect your boundaries. The opinions of others do not mean that you are wrong or a bad guy for having boundaries. Let them say what they will.

Object Lessons - Taking the Next Step

When I was little on Sunday the kids would be dismissed from the adult service to go to Sunday school. They would call the kids up to the front of the church, we would sit in a circle around someone who gave us a 5 minute object lesson. Then we would all head down stairs for Sunday school. As a middle school student I can remember teaching a few of those object lessons. Those lesson were always my favorite. I still remember a lot of them. As an adult I love that God still gives me those little lessons, they are still my favorite.

As often happens my husband and I found ourselves with time to kill during the kid shuffle. You know that time that isn't really long enough to accomplish anything before you pick up or drop of one kid just so that you can do it again with another kid. We decided to explore a cave that we had driven by at least a dozen times. We did not have enough time to really explore, just long enough to make it to the back of what was easily accessible.

The first thing I realized. We were not prepared. I need to keep the camera with me at all times. Headlamps are much more useful in that situation the cellphone flashlights. Oh dear sweet Jesus I am so out of shape. Also, there is a confidence that I had as a child that I no longer have. There was a time that I had no fear of loose rocks or falling... I wonder where that confidence has gone. My guess is that I lost it about the time I became afraid of getting hurt. My husband says he doesn't think I am afraid of getting hurt as much as I am aware of the amount of pain just walking across the room can case. I think he is probably right.

As we had reached the back of the cave we climbed a few little rocks and then up onto a bolder so that we could see farther into the cave. Again, not prepared appropriately this is where we stopped. It was the step from the last two smaller rocks and onto the bolder that God would use as the object lesson I am about to share with you.

I stepped up onto one rock and took a step to the next. It shook beneath my foot and I became afraid to take the next step up onto the bolder. I had my cellphone in one hand for a light, but could not see anywhere to put my free hand to brace for the next step. I stood there frozen in fear. I was about to fall and brake something, probably me, but my fear was more for my phone. I tried to look around, but the more I moved, the harder it was to keep my balance. Stacy was just a couple of steps in front of me. He looked back and asked what was wrong. "I can't move!" I don't think I shouted it, but I was in a bit of a panic. He always seems calm when I am freaking out. He told me to just take a step. I tried to calmly explain why that wasn't possible. Again, I'm not sure that I expressed my self as calmly as I hoped. Just reach up, he said. The cave ceiling was so close that if I had stood strait up I would have hit my head on it. I didn't know that though. I did what he said, and was able to regain my footing and move forward.

We saw as far as we could see, looked in all the cool little crevices and then headed back to the front of the cave where we had parked. We got in the car and drove off to do the kid shuffle. I thanked him for handling that situation how he did, for not yelling at me for being afraid or treating me like I was dumb. That is not how he has ever handled any situation with me, but I may of some baggage. He simply thanked me for trusting him.

It was easy for me to trust him. Why wouldn't it be? He had gone farther into the cave than I had. He had made it past those two rocks. He could also see what I could not. I had a limited view of my situation. He could see it all.

...and that is where God gave me an object lesson.

For the last few weeks we have been talking about God making a way where there seems to be no way and we have watched Him make a way where there was not. We had been, and if I am honest, I still am struggling to see how some of our hearts desires are going to come to pass. In the natural there seems to be no way. Here is the thing though, God sees our situation, he knows it better than we do. He can see what I can not. My view is limited, His is not. I just have to trust Him, listen to Him, and take the next step. 

Painful Moments

"Your Dad," I start to recall a memory, but am stopped. "That is not my Dad, there is a difference between a Father and a Dad, and he is not my Dad," she snaps.

I sit alone with my son as he cries, he feels like he has gained a lot this school year, but not as much as he had to leave behind, he asks me if I think that his Dad will ever know how much he has hurt him. My answer brings little comfort.

As plans are made for a Christmas visit, one child cries every night for a week, not wanting to go, but not wanting to hurt her Dad's feelings by staying. Her brother encourages her to stay. "I don't think you should go." he states.

Memories of  December 12, 2016 leave me trying to convince my daughter to, at the very least, take her shoes off when she goes to bed, knowing that begging her to put pajamas on, instead of the clothes she wore to school is an exercise in futility.

"I want to learn martial arts. That way if I have to go back for a visit, I can fight my way out of that house if I need to."

We encourage them to be honest about their feelings. "Why don't you tell him how you feel," I ask. "Because I want to preserve whatever relationship their still might be,"one says. "It wouldn't change anything," says another.

I don't want my children to know this hurt, but it is to late for that. I have so many questions. What if I had left sooner? How much hurt could I have spared them? Will there come a point in time that he is no longer able to hurt them? How do I protect them and is it even possible? I recollect a number of times when I was begged, "Please don't take my children away from me, I need them." I can't seem to reconcile that with the current situation. I have said that I would do everything within my power to facilitate a healthy relationship between my kids and their Dad, but when and where do I draw the line?

It has been a year...

It has been a year since I last wrote a blog post. I don't quite know how that happens. I like writing, which is probably silly since I pretty much suck at it. I am the queen of spelling and grammar errors, just now I tried 3 times to spell grammar before I just gave in and used spell check. To bad spell check doesn't check for the spelling of the word you meant to use instead of the word you used and spelled correctly.

Now, days later I come back and I know just how it happened... you see I wrote this one blog post. It was picked up by news outlets and shared... it was viewed over 3,000 times... What was private turmoil was put on the worlds stage...

So today's decision, is I am going to make a point to do better at this. I am going to share the personal thoughts because it is good for me. I am going to share, because maybe I will say something that helps someone else. If no one ever reads this post, than that is fine too, but I am going to let what is rattling around in my head out. Know this, I write for me. This post is going to lay some stuff out there, that is very personal, it may even open up the door for others to point fingers and be critical, but I am going to write it anyway, because I don't know what else to do with it.

I went through one of the many boxes of "stuff" that had been packed away in storage... I read a letter that I found to my oldest son. As a good a portion of it pertained to him, I asked him what he thought I should do with the letter. He said to throw it away and so I did. His remarks about the letter, which I will keep between us, took me off guard.

The next day my husband and I were watching YouTube together, our attention was caught by a video title so we watched it... I don't know what either of us had expected, but it wasn't that. So that night we watched it with our children and had a family discussion about it.

You see, I keep trying, and I don't know why. I keep trying facilitate a relationship for my children and their Father... 

I made the decision to leave their Father when I saw the hurt he had caused them, it was one thing for him to hurt me, it was something else all together for him to hurt them... and then our family conversation the other day... "How did you learn to treat each other they way that you do?" We asked of each kid." "It is how my dad treated my mom," one replied. "It is the way my dad treated me," said another. My heart sank.  I had always said staying for the kids was never the right reason to stay and my choice to stay may have caused more damage than the hurt I watched them suffer the winter of 2016.

I know why I stayed... If you hear something long enough, it can become your truth. No one else would put up with me. No one else could love me like him. He promised he would never do it again... I said for better or worse, I had made a commitment, I swore before God and our families this was forever. Love is a choice because sometimes you just are not going to feel it. This isn't him, this is his mental illness. I pushed him away. This was my fault. This was just me having a PTSD moment. I didn't take an interest in the things he took an interest in. I couldn't afford to provide for the kids on my own. FEAR.

I have been asked on a number of occasions if I thought that my ex would hurt the kids or me. I was asked if I wanted to have a restraining order in place. When he was trying to get out of jail I was asked so many times what I wanted. Decisions like that should not be left up to someone who is in the midst of an abusive relationship. Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I ask for help? How could I?

In the middle of an argument one day, I had been backed into the bathroom, all I could think was I wanted to escape. There on the shelf next to me was a knitting needle and right then I knew how I could end it. I didn't though, why? Because stabbing him with a knitting needle would cost my children both parents.

I woke up early one morning and he was having his way with me. I fought him off, and he left for work. That night he told me that on his way to work he almost committed suicide. It was my fault, because how it made him feel that I said no and struggled to push him away. So the next time I woke up in the same situation, I just laid there. I would not be the reason he killed himself.

When he was in jail I was told how bad things were. He wasn't getting appropriate medical care. There were gang members trying to hurt him. He was having seizures. If I didn't get him out of jail he was going to die there. What kind of a horrid person would leave someone in that situation?

I often wonder now what was real and what was manipulation. I look back to through the years and I don't regret them. I wouldn't have my children without them. I am a stronger person, stronger then I ever knew. I wish I had ended it all sooner.

As we ended our family conversation the other day I sat with my oldest, after everyone else had left. I apologized to him. He replied, "We will be ok." "If you had left sooner you would not have been the person we needed you to be. It would have been bad."

...My kids call someone else dad now. Someone who has stepped in to that role with his whole heart. So why the conundrum? Why do I keep trying? How do I stop? 

I still don't have the answer to how I could have said something, asked for help, ended the abuse. In the end I suppose what matters is that it ended. I will forever be grateful for the man who found me and gave me the courage to do something different.

Where do I go from here? What do I do? I forgive and ask for forgiveness. I move on. I am asked somewhat regularly what if any news is there regarding the charges my ex faces. I still don't know what will come of that, maybe nothing. This is me letting go of all of that. The future is bright and the possibilities are limitless.

36th Trip Around the Sun

It is just days away, my 36th birthday. This sure isn't how I had pictured life at 36. It isn't that I had specific ambitions for 36. It was, that I knew how the outcome at 45 was supposed to look. So unobtainable now. I struggle between seeing where I am now as a failure or a grand new adventure. The end of the story is now unwritten. The last chapter still unfinished as a new has begun. I have said it before and it bears repeating, what is good is so good, but it came at such an expense. How do you feel such joy and such grief at the same time? They say that there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror... they say, they say so much, they have so many words, none that bring me peace as I finish out this last trip around the sun...

Not enough....

There will always be questions of why you were not enough, but for the right person, you are more than enough. You are worth more than you know, and they will show you. It hurts. Letting go of a future, of a dream of hope, it is crushing. So today, do what you need to take care of you an know that you are enough and that you are very loved. I can promise that it gets better. I have been to hell and am fighting my way back. I have lost everything. I have been alone in the dark. I have been crushed under a weight I can't discribe. I can still feel it pressing down on me, but finally, finally I see a light. What happens if the light goes out? I surely do not know, it might kill me, but for now, I can tell you there is a light, and you will find it. It probably isn't going to be easy, or even look like what you expected. It might not be there today or maybe even tomorrow, but it is there... I promise.

You should write something he said...

... but that was weeks ago. Finally inspiration struck... and then it was lost... as I sit here and type can I find it again?

I'm sure it would be easier to type my thoughts if I was not trying to drown them out with 102.9 Now streaming through my earbuds at a volume that would make my audiologist cringe.

So many songs, and so many memes resonating with my soul... this place... this time... this love... this grief... moving forward... looking back. The endeavor to give space to it all.

Can I walk through this season with grace and wisdom? Can I learn from the past to create a better future? Can I find strength in the moments when I feel my weakest? Can I show the same compassion that I so desire? In the face of fear can I find faith?

With so many questions, this one truth remains...