I sit alone with my son as he cries, he feels like he has gained a lot this school year, but not as much as he had to leave behind, he asks me if I think that his Dad will ever know how much he has hurt him. My answer brings little comfort.
As plans are made for a Christmas visit, one child cries every night for a week, not wanting to go, but not wanting to hurt her Dad's feelings by staying. Her brother encourages her to stay. "I don't think you should go." he states.
Memories of December 12, 2016 leave me trying to convince my daughter to, at the very least, take her shoes off when she goes to bed, knowing that begging her to put pajamas on, instead of the clothes she wore to school is an exercise in futility.
"I want to learn martial arts. That way if I have to go back for a visit, I can fight my way out of that house if I need to."
We encourage them to be honest about their feelings. "Why don't you tell him how you feel," I ask. "Because I want to preserve whatever relationship their still might be,"one says. "It wouldn't change anything," says another.
I don't want my children to know this hurt, but it is to late for that. I have so many questions. What if I had left sooner? How much hurt could I have spared them? Will there come a point in time that he is no longer able to hurt them? How do I protect them and is it even possible? I recollect a number of times when I was begged, "Please don't take my children away from me, I need them." I can't seem to reconcile that with the current situation. I have said that I would do everything within my power to facilitate a healthy relationship between my kids and their Dad, but when and where do I draw the line?
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