36th Trip Around the Sun

It is just days away, my 36th birthday. This sure isn't how I had pictured life at 36. It isn't that I had specific ambitions for 36. It was, that I knew how the outcome at 45 was supposed to look. So unobtainable now. I struggle between seeing where I am now as a failure or a grand new adventure. The end of the story is now unwritten. The last chapter still unfinished as a new has begun. I have said it before and it bears repeating, what is good is so good, but it came at such an expense. How do you feel such joy and such grief at the same time? They say that there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror... they say, they say so much, they have so many words, none that bring me peace as I finish out this last trip around the sun...

Not enough....

There will always be questions of why you were not enough, but for the right person, you are more than enough. You are worth more than you know, and they will show you. It hurts. Letting go of a future, of a dream of hope, it is crushing. So today, do what you need to take care of you an know that you are enough and that you are very loved. I can promise that it gets better. I have been to hell and am fighting my way back. I have lost everything. I have been alone in the dark. I have been crushed under a weight I can't discribe. I can still feel it pressing down on me, but finally, finally I see a light. What happens if the light goes out? I surely do not know, it might kill me, but for now, I can tell you there is a light, and you will find it. It probably isn't going to be easy, or even look like what you expected. It might not be there today or maybe even tomorrow, but it is there... I promise.

You should write something he said...

... but that was weeks ago. Finally inspiration struck... and then it was lost... as I sit here and type can I find it again?

I'm sure it would be easier to type my thoughts if I was not trying to drown them out with 102.9 Now streaming through my earbuds at a volume that would make my audiologist cringe.

So many songs, and so many memes resonating with my soul... this place... this time... this love... this grief... moving forward... looking back. The endeavor to give space to it all.

Can I walk through this season with grace and wisdom? Can I learn from the past to create a better future? Can I find strength in the moments when I feel my weakest? Can I show the same compassion that I so desire? In the face of fear can I find faith?

With so many questions, this one truth remains...

I Should Have

..given up and gone to bed hours ago. Nothing seems to quiet the thoughts running through my mind, none of that maters though. Wondering how I got where I am today, I pulled out my 8th grade portfolio. 8th grade me and almost 36 year old me seem to be failing the same test. I wonder what test that might be though. While I am certain it is the same test, I am unaware of its content, and I am unable to study for, or pass it. So history just keeps looping.

So here is what 8th grade me had to say:

Life

It is a like a game you play.

There are days you win, 

there are days you lose.

There are days you cry,

there are days you don't. 

This is life.

There are ups and there are downs. 

The ups you feel should last forever,

but neither the ups or the downs will.

You must keep on living.

Day to day, trying to live the best life you can.

Hurt

The hurt is overwhelming,

it burns within your heart.

The hurt seems to last forever,

but you're are sure it has to end.

Maybe tomorrow,

or maybe next week.

Tears

The tears steadily stream down my face as I ponder my fate.

They are tears of pain

They are tears of anger

They are tears of triumph

These are my tears,

can they understand what I can not?

January 17, 2012 - In an Instant

In an instant
all your potential was seen
your future cherished
your life celebrated

In an instant

there were arms that could not wait to hold you

hands that could not wait to hold yours

Lips that could not wait to kiss you

In an instant

questions abound

emotions overflow

hearts are broken

because in an instant you were loved beyond measure.

August 18, 2000 Something VS today

"A million thoughts are playing in my mind. Loud and quiet and all at the same time.  Each vying for the slightest bit of my attention.  To put them down paper...then they could run free.  If I did would they no longer bother me?  Would I never think of them again??  As you can see just thinking these thoughts leads to more thoughts.  Writing what I have has made you think too.  So then only imagine what would happen should I let the previous thoughts run free???  I wonder if you think the same things too.  Do you?  I don't know because if I were to be more specific, that would let them out and that...that my friend is just not safe.  So like rabbits, they just stay in my mind doing the things that rabbits do. They just keep multiplying. "

I wrote the post above what seems a million years ago. I remember writing this post, I remember the subject matter. A subject I dare not have shared. Fast forward to today, and these rabbits are free. I know now, what I didn't know then... I wonder now if the years were wasted, or if everything really does just happen in perfect timing. You can't move forward caught up in the past. I must move forward, thankful for a million memories, plotting a new course, dreaming a new dream. 

Many Moons Ago

...What would life be like how different things could be. If you were here now running in circles around me. I would not trade those I have for the ones that could not be. That being said, it still does not keep me from pondering what would life be like, how different things could be. Daddy says he does not think about you and I wonder how that can be. Life could be so different if you were here with me.

September 4, 2007 - My Little Slice of Heaven

Waiting for the phone to ring to have a conversation about nothing

the comfort of your presence

the silence of naptime

the mischief in their giggle

the twinkle in their eyes

the excitement in their smile

the lessons learned while watching

...and all of these other moments that will soon pass and be forgotten.

April 15, 2008 - Perspective

Life is not a Kodak print but a painting.  Odds are when it is finished it won't be what "you had pictured." 

Home truly is wherever it is you make it and you will find beauty just about anywhere that you look for it.  Be it a Smokey fire lit sunset because all of the grass is dead or the lush green that screams "come see how chigger bites you can get."  In which Brad Paisley puts a new twist on the pitfalls of pests of that nature, which could lead to minutes or hours of entertainment.  I let you pick which of the 2 you are. 

It is always too hot or too cold somewhere some of the time.  Deal with it.  Enjoy the moment regardless, it will be the other extreme soon enough. 

Despite how much easier it is to blame our mood, circumstance or anything else on someone besides ourselves, we chose every action and reaction we have ultimately deciding our fate. 

It is ALL perspective.