Suffocating

I keep trying to wrap my head around it. I can't. This isn't my harvest, I didn't plant these seeds. What did I do? How is it that I am deserving of this? I don't understand. This weight on my chest, it burns and I can't breath. I want to cry, but the tears don't come. I can't break anyway, they can't see. I have to be strong, but this burning it won't stop. One foot in front of the other, until all of the distractions are gone and then I am crushed. I have put myself aside and gotten lost. Is there anything left? Something other then this weight? It burns and I can't breath.

Just an Old Twist-tie

When I was 14 someone taught me, "blessed are the flexible; for they are not easily bent out of shape." Some years later I came to the realization that while this is good mantra, even a twist-tie has it's snapping point. Seeing the world in black and white, I am quite certain 14 year old me needed that mantra. I need to learn to bend and flex.

17 years later, I  sit here wondering, just how much more flex is left before the twist-tie snaps. Do I go to the store and buy said bendy metal to conduct an experiment? Would this give me an exact number of times it could be bent? Would I know that this old, warn out twist-tie has given all the flex it had to muster, and should have snapped long ago? If it snaps what becomes of the thing(s) that it was holding together? If it snapped could it still be functional? Maybe most important, these 4 relatively new twist-ties in front of me, how do I keep them shiny and new?

Object Lessons- Letting go

On a recent visit to the town square my children practiced their rock climbing skills on a monument in front of the old court house, for that matter their Dad took a turn too. I know we probably should have found something more suitable to climb on, but we didn't. It isn't a large monument, probably about 6 foot tall and twice as long. It was intriguing to watch them all find the best place for hand and foot holds. They put so much thought into each movement, I was proud of them.

The boys scampered up the monument with ease and happily perched themselves on top. It presented quite a bit more challenge for the girls though. Evelynn had a few false starts before she was able to conquer her fear and make it to the top.  With coaxing and coaching and cheering she finally made her way up. Her reign was short lived though. Mommy's fears of her falling off the top took over. Daddy quickly helped her down. Lilli had every bit of determination as any of the others did. She started up the monument and then backed down quite a few times as well. With David and I both spotting her she finally got her left hand on top of the monument. That right hand presented a problem though. She had a death grip, and there was no letting go. She could feel us hold her up. She could hear us all cheer her on, but she could not bring herself to let go with that right hand. Her goal with in reach, yet unable to move forward, she was left disappointed as she back down for the last time.

Don't panic... I'm just letting my thoughts escape.

Like the whirlpool of a flushing toilet, putting all of these random thoughts on paper will take them all away? I hope it works that way tonight anyway.

So many things feel undone at the moment. I need some resolve. I can not tell if things are coming together or starting to unravel. I suppose whichever it is I will find out soon enough. Out of control I just sit and wait. Even if I see it, coming will I know how to react? This can be said about a half dozen things in my life at this very moment! 

I said something to one of my kiddos yesterday and I sit here thinking to myself, 20+ years older then him those words still ring true to me where I am in my life today. Now I am not sure what to do about it, but I can recognize it. Fairly certain I am failing the same test for the gazillionth time, it is clear I know what to say but I don't know how to put it into practice in my own life. A very clear do as I say, not as I do moment. Oh well. ...and no I am not going to tell you my hypocritical words of wisdom. 

Also as I sit here I think to myself, this is how the scale came to say... Yeah right you really din't think I was gonna tell you that did you? No, I am not revealing that number until I am way closer to my goal. Any way the point being that I find comfort in food. Mmmm mmm mmm yummy yummy food! Dessert please and thank you very much. Food comma always quiets the mind. At this point though I am fairly certain a bed and pillow may have the same effect. 

I'll wake up and it will be a new day. I'll even get to check somethings off of my unresolved list. Just 2 more wake ups and I will get to run away with the man of my dreams and pretend, at least for the weekend, that there is not list waiting for me at home. Some day I will pass this test. That someday just isn't today. 

Memory Lane

 

The photo to the left was sent to me yesterday in a text message and it started a journey down memory lane. I dug out a box of photos and started sifting through them.

For most of these pictures I can remember the day they were taken. As I remembered who I was at that time in my life I was left wishing I could go back and tell that kid what I would know.

@ 7 It is called dyslexia. You will never be the best student but don't quit.Once you have lost momentum it is much harder to get it going again. Tell your mom that your teacher is abusive, she will have your back.

@ 9 Stop trying to fit in now, in the future this will only cause heartache. Be true to yourself, your likes, your dislikes, be confident in yourself. Kids are mean pay no attention to that, they truly are just trying to feel better about themselves. You don't have to justify who you are to anyone.

@ 12 Your struggle to fit in will now start to cost you relationships. Maybe these are relationships that you don't need anyway but when you are 32, you will wonder about it. You now have school friends and church friends. News flash, if you can't be friends in any setting you find yourself in, then you are not really friends. Your parents will get a divorce years from now anyway, don't spend a second worrying about any of that, just be a kid. "Blessed are the flexible, for they are not easily bent out of shape." You will learn this quote when you are 14 but if you could know it now, and realize that it applies in E-V-E-R-Y area of your life, you will be better for it. Don't be so judgmental. That one is easier said then done. It is your personality, however your judgement does not need to be on display for the world. On the flip side of that coin, people will judge you, that is there problem, not yours. Never listen to anyone who says " Just because you are strong enough to do something doesn't mean that you should." Again here it is about momentum, once you stop, it is much harder to get it going again. There are very few things that you can say that will change a person for the better, but what you show them... that is what will really make a difference. Talk less act more.

@ 14 Cherish your friendships. Some of them will last forever. You will go years without talking to or seeing some of these friends, but you will always be able to pick right back up where you left off with them. Some you will loose contact with and miss terribly. Again you will never be the best student, but take every class you can. Get all of the education you can while it is free. Take the ACT and SAT. You will make some memories that you will cherish always. You think that your are fat. You have no idea! It won't be long before your body is scared by car accidents and children, you really are perfect. You will meet the man you will marry, get to know this new kid, get to know all that you can about him because it will bite you in the butt after you marry him that you didn't. He will be your best friend, he will love you like no other and hurt you like no other, but he can probably say the same about you.

@ 19 You don't get do overs. Make things the way you want them to be. Nothing from this point on will be what you had imagined. How you have defined yourself to this point, well some of it is not nearly as important as you think so once again be true to yourself, your likes, and your dislikes.

This list could go on and on and on, but I can't go back. I can only carry what I have learned with me and hope that I can impart some of it to my own children. That maybe their list won't be so long.